A Modern Christian Mystics Diary

Dream of March 31, 2023
Dream at the end of the night from which I awoke very slowly and gently still immersed in it.
I find myself (my soul) in a bright yet also purely soft white light in the arms of my beloved. I am lying with my back partially resting against one edge of an old antique blue-and-white bathtub (which a month ago was destroyed, hammered into transportable pieces so the bathroom could be completely remodeled.) He is on top facing me, and I initially perceive him as my ex-husband, but very soon I lose all sense of this being actually true; he is definitely no mere mortal man. . . 

We are mysteriously one with the luminous white atmosphere, so that I don't actually see our bodies or even his face, only the subtle shape of his head and shoulders. As he makes love to me, I wonder how he is able to manage his position so smoothly and effortlessly, for it seems the rim of the bathtub should be impossibly in his way. Yet there's no impression of anything solid, only the reality of our ongoing union, which in an ethereal sense resembles a sexual rhythm. In reality there's no physical division between us, or any corporeal sensation whatsoever. The experience is deeply lucent and gently rhythmic in a way I can find no words for.
. . . I don't so much wake up as transition to the awareness of lying in bed still experiencing a subtle glow in the depths of my flesh. Yet I experience absolutely no desire to reach down and touch myself because it was not a sexual dream; rather it was as mysteriously pure and as chaste as it was profound. 

I remain lying on my back remembering-reliving the experience, and feeling it would be unthinkable sacrilege to touch myself with the intention of inducing a physical sexual climax. And of course I don't, because not only am I not at all tempted to do so, I feel-know it would be sinful. Not to mention that I promised my Lord more than three years ago or more that I would never masturbate again. I felt it was the least I could do as penance to help atone for years of unbridled sexual sins.
It's a serious understatement to say that this was an intensely special and unique dream. I feel it was a deeply cleansing and healing dream. But descriptive words are mere shadows; the dream's profoundly silent luminous white purity was indistinguishable from our two figures clasped inseparably in each other’s arms. There was no feeling of pressure or any other physical sensation as we moved effortlessly together immune to any obstacles. It seems to me now that what I initially perceived as the hard edge of the dark-blue and white one-hundred year-old bathtub, which is now history, represents the horizon and the separation of heaven and earth, which in dreams and visions the Holy Spirit effortlessly transcends.
Such nocturnal dream visions are gifts; with all my being I believe I was in the embrace of the Holy Spirit last night, a great beautiful wondrous mystery. I often recall what C.S. Lewis said about Mystery itself being essential, because without Mystery there can only be neurosis, and worse.
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