A Modern Christian Mystics Diary

September 18, 2023

This morning I watched an interview with the Abbess of Sister Wilhelmina's convent. Part of me wishes I could be as close to Christ with no distractions as nuns are, but I know perfectly well I could never be happy in a community of any kind; I love my solitude. Only my biological sister lives in this big century-old house with me a few blocks from the ocean, and we lead such completely different lives we rarely see each other. I have been working hard on the Life of Christ audio book and my right arm is really hurting from hours spent editing audio files, but I used the massager I received from Amazon Vine and it really helped. Then sitting at my prayer window, I spontaneously reached for the book He & I and it fell open to Jesus saying:

“Haven’t I prepared everything in your life, in your homes, for a solitude for two? Wouldn’t even the nuns envy you?”

HE AND I
c. 1968 - The Hairbrush

When I was approximately seven years old, I had something akin to a mystical experience. Alone in a second floor bathroom, for some time I stood gazing out the window above the toilet. Outside, the day was beautifully bright, and above black pyramid-sharp rooftops the sky was a seemingly endless blue. There are no words for the intense wonder I suddenly experienced staring at that clear blue sky. I became fully conscious of myself then as a tiny yet unique awareness beneath the vast sky. And casually resting beneath the measureless heavens on top of the toilet was a little black hairbrush. It struck me then what a mystery this was. How could that sky and a little hairbrush coexist so casually? That's when my perceptions, feelings and thoughts lucidly met for the first time as, going to stand in front of the mirror above the sink, I felt-understood that I and all other human beings were the link between them; the mysterious and uniquely special reason everything existed.

I can only attempt to put those moments into words now, but at the time it was primarily a feeling, a sense of being cared for, which is something a child (ideally) has experience with. I certainly did, for I was cherished by my working parents, and lovingly cared for by my maternal grandparents who lived in the same house with us until I was seventeen. This was my first taste of an unimaginably powerful yet at the same time intimately loving Creator.
1977 - Asking to be His Bride

When I was 17 years old, I watched the premier of the mini-series Jesus of Nazareth, acclaimed director Franco Zeffirelli's powerful adaptation of the Gospels. But to say that I simply watched the series is a major understatement; it was the most arresting, powerful experience of my young life. I was blown away. I fell completely, passionately in love with Jesus. And next to Him I felt his disciples (especially Simon Peter) were the most desirable of men; no other men would ever be able to compare to them.

After the series ended I was devastated, and in a passion of desire I walked to St. Leo's Church, only a few blocks away from my house next to the Middle School I attended in 7th & 8th grade. There was another woman praying silently far from where I knelt as I fervently told God I wanted to become a nun. I told Jesus I could never possibly love another man as much as I loved Him, and that I wanted to be all His! I spoke to Him for some time, meaning every word I said. But then, as I tired of kneeling and simply sat down to be with Him, I found myself drifting off into a daydream. . . I was a nun living in a stone convent out in the countryside when suddenly to our door was brought a handsome young man on a stretcher needing our lifesaving attention, and taking charge of him I personally devoted myself to his care. . .
Shrugging off this daydream, I walked home and told my grandmother I wanted to be a nun. Seeing as she prayed to our Lady every evening with the Rosary, I assumed she would be pleased, even proud of me, but the opposite happened. At first she didn't really believe me, but as I insisted I meant what I said, she reasonably began trying to talk me out of it. I stood my ground, but it wasn't long before I was forced to admit to myself what I had known from a very early age: that I couldn't possibly be a nun.

When I was only in first grade, I fervently whispered to a girl in line beside me where we stood surrounded by other girls and just as many boys, "I'm so glad my parents sent me here and not to a girl's only school. I'd die if I couldn't be around boys!" I was much too young for it to be a sexual feeling of any kind; I simply felt I needed, loved to be around that "boy energy" so stimulatingly different from a girl's.

February 8, 2011
The night before my 50th birthday, I began lucid dreaming. The Lord launched a rescue operation for my soul through dreams,* because He never forgot that morning in Saint Leo's Church when I told Him I could never love another man as much as I loved Him, and that I wanted to be entirely His. And although I'm not officially a nun confined to a convent, for years now I have been living every day of my life like a Bride of Christ.

*See my Sister Site
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