A Modern Christian Mystics Diary

April 3, 2022

Watched Mass downstairs broadcast from the National Cathedral. The reading was the woman caught in adultery. Confronted with my own past sensual sins, I felt full of remorse and tearful. I came upstairs and sat down in my prayer chair. It was a gloomy morning but the sun was rising behind the trees as if behind a veil. I felt the need to open the Bible; to hear my Lord speak to me. I opened it at random, and it was somewhere in the Old Testament that was so completely not relevant I said out loud, "Lord, that's not right..." and realized I had to open it to the New Testament. So I did. . .

The first word my eyes fell upon was the first word of today's reading! I looked up from the page, and there was the solar disc still partially veiled, and yet it was as if I looked up and saw my Lord gazing down at me! It was unbelievable; I mean, what are the odds?! I have opened the New Testament at random quite a few times, when I really felt the need, and this morning the first word my eyes fell upon was the first word of today's reading! It wasn't like I was close to it; it was right there in my lap as if it had been placed there! And I remembered then how special this Reading is to me, not simply because the sexual nature of the sin is relevant to my life, but because of the lucid dream I had in which I asked Jesus what he had been writing in the sand.
I told my mother all about it, and about how it's real because when you love someone, when you're in a relationship with someone, you have to feel their love and their touch, if you don't it's not a true relationship. Love can't survive complete indifference from the beloved; it's like trying to breathe in a room with no oxygen. She understood me perfectly. It's all real! It's what Santa Teresa said, that the closer you draw to God, the closer He draws to you, and He lets you know! It's real, it's subtle, and yet it seems (becomes) less subtle the more I dare to believe it's real. 
And perhaps one of the things my Lord asked me today was, "This is better than a dream, isn't it?" It is better than a dream what happened this morning, because it's part of the reality of my living waking relationship with my Lord and God. It also helps explain why in the dream in which I asked Him what he had been writing in the sand that day, I perceived life-size gilded letter openers and/or bookmarks in the style of old illuminated Christian manuscripts, and one of them was distinctly a knight wielding a sword. I had to fight my old sinful self while fervently educating myself in the Faith. 

The following excerpt is from He & I by Gabrielle Bossis. Her thoughts are followed by Christ's response.

Gabrielle: “They had forgotten to put back the altar covering. In thought I made a mantle for Him with my arms.

“If you cover Me like that this evening you may be sure that in heaven where the evenings are eternal mornings, I shall offer you this same mantle, and its fold will shelter our secret conversations. Do you think that My gifts come to an end with your life on Earth? Don’t you expect to receive new ones, still more powerful ones? Then long for them and increase your faith by looking forward to them.”

Gabrielle: “Lord, I think you give me all I need for my salvation.”

“And suppose I wish to overflow you, to overflow Myself? If, relying on my power, you expect more than you ask or think, could anyone restrain My generosity? Don’t you believe rather that My infinite heart loves to give infinitely? That’s the Divine principle, isn’t it?

“Prepare your soul as you prepare your garden. You turn over the soil and bury the weeds. Come the sun and the rain, the new flowers – the ones you weren’t expecting, the ones you hadn’t thought of. That’s how it will be for your soul. And once again you will say, ‘There is nothing of me. Everything comes from Him’. For everything always comes from Me. Just look back over your life; don’t you see My face in this or that event? And that other one, that took you to a place where you had not thought of going, wasn’t that also to your measure? It was heavy, I know, but you could bear the weight.

“Don’t be afraid of anything. Death? Of course not. You will receive the grace to clothe yourself in death. You will enter into it as you enter into a task received from Me, I helping you as always. You know what actual Grace is – what you call Grace for the moment? I am grace. When you are with me, are you afraid? Didn’t I always say to my apostles after the resurrection, don’t be afraid! My little girl, if you were afraid I should be hurt.”

He & I by Gabrielle Bossis – English Translation published by Pauline Press
Just yesterday, standing on the beach, I asked my Lord for my death to be there, walking to Him across the light shining on the water straight into the next world. Lately, however, I have been bothered by that tiny yet terrible rotten black "speck"of spiritual sickness unto death that still lingers. Like a tumor, it developed throughout my life growing up in the deadly shadows of scientism and atheism which, from childhood, made me so fearful of death even though I couldn't really fear it; I always knew there had to be a God Who loved me. Yet I can still have those moments where the inconceivable possibility of eternal oblivion flits through my mind like a demonic mosquito. 
In the above quote, our Lord is telling Gabrielle/me He would be hurt if she/I was afraid of death! How can I possibly be afraid now?! My Lord gave me all the strength I need to fight this dread with another amazing synchronicity. Because I chose to look for help from He & I today, I received a resounding response. Because it was when I felt that black "speck", like a malignant "tumor" of mortal dread deep inside me, which I knew I had to wipe out once and for all, that I opened He & I at random (or more accurately to where it felt right) and received precisely the words I vitally needed! 
I will be hurting my Lord and my God if I ever permit myself to fear death again, because that's the equivalent of not believing in Him, which I do, with all my being!

I was led to the book He & I in one of my first Lucid Dreams which I titled Gabrielle Bossis 1873