A Modern Christian Mystics Diary

September 8, 2022
I'm lying in bed mostly on my back but slightly facing right, and I don’t even consider this may be a dream. The darkness is nearly complete, yet I am aware of a male presence lying beside me on my right, and I can faintly make out the silhouette of his head a little higher up on the bed. I feel it is my ex-husband’s head, and yet I know it can’t be, not really. I wonder if this means he’s coming; is on his way. I want to move up so that I'm resting beside him but I'm also afraid to. 
As I rest there so close to this male Presence I feel is my true spouse, I think of my dog, Arthur, and at once see his little form in the center of the bed between me and the “shadow man” which reassures me. What I can see of my dog, primarily his profile pointing almost straight up, is a shining white except for his little black nose and mouth. 

Braced by my beloved pet’s strikingly luminous presence, I focus on the subliminally glowing shadow of what I know is a man’s head. I want to go to him, to slip beneath his arm and feel loved and protected, desired and cared for, everything a true husband would make his wife feel. I can’t be sure He is Jesus, and yet I feel He truly might be. And yet I'm also worried it's presumptuous of me to imagine this is possible.
As I gently wake up and open my eyes, still resting in the same position, I hesitate a few moments before turning my head on the pillow and looking up to where the luminous shadow of a man’s head had been. Naturally I don’t see it now, and after a few timid seconds I roll over. Reaching for the remote on my bedside table, I turn on the electric votive candle inside my Guardian Angel vase for illumination and his protective company. 
Dream Notes:

As tends to happen with powerful dream experiences, I think I won’t write it down, that I don’t need to, that its meaning is inscrutable, and it's best not to dwell on it, etc. etc. Thankfully, usually while I’m walking my dog Arthur (my Guardian Angel’s glove!) I come to my senses, and here I am writing about it. This resistance on my part invariably indicates the experience was important, and perhaps, even probably, pivotal. But these days I prefer to err on the side of extreme humility, not to mention the need to always practice Discernment of Spirits.
Initially, because of the dark atmosphere, and my need to turn on a light afterward, I felt perhaps the Presence on the bed might have been an evil "entity" seeking to deceive and trap me in an unholy embrace. But the fact is that whenever I have found myself in the presence of the Enemy (or one or more of his minions) while dreaming, I have distinctly felt their evil threat. The Presence on the bed with me last night - and who I felt, sensed was waiting for me to behave as I wanted to but was afraid to – was mysteriously and in hindsight reassuringly neutral. I knew he wasn’t my ex husband, but he was there and, I felt, waiting for me to behave as if he was, in truth, my spouse. I knew perfectly well he wasn't my ex, and yet I also felt my husband was coming, and that he would rest beside me like this.

“Oh my Lord, why have you loved me so much? What good do you find in my poor self? Have you forgotten the injuries I have done you?. . . What grieves me most is my past offenses, O my loving God and the displeasure I have given You, who are worthy of infinite love. But You never reject a repentant and humble heart. . .

“Now indeed I wish for no one else but You alone in this life and in the next. For what have I in Heaven? And besides Thee what do I desire upon earth?. . . Thou art the God of my heart, and the God that is my portion forever. You alone are and will always be the only Lord of my heart and will; You alone my only good, my heaven, my hope, my all.”

“There can be no surer pledge of His love for you than His past mercies toward you. God is displeased at the diffidence of souls who love Him sincerely and who He Himself loves. If, therefore, you wish to please His loving heart, go to Him henceforth with the greatest possible confidence and affection.”


Alphonsus Liguori – How to Converse with God
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